Im not a writer

I'm not a writer . I write when I feel I'm not able to share my feelings to anyone and there is loads that makes me dizzy with its debt. It happens when I feel that I don't have anyone to understand me and if I say something then its gonna be taken in a mistaken way.
At times I feel I want to be freed of the vicious chain that though is invisible to everyone around me but its strangulating and squeezing me . If someone sees my post and asks what is my problem that has led to a state that I'm writing such posts then probably i would be speechless because I don't have words to lend to my feeling. I don't know how to explain myself. I had never been a complaining one but I had become one . And my failure to explain will might stand against my veracity of my feelings.
There are things that I don't complain about because I feel they ll be turned to a deaf ear but at times its taken for granted that I have accepted them. These complaints might not be visible in the air but they linger as  particle in my air of life and I breathe in it. Sometimes it chokes but I have learnt to manage myself.

Mind is perplexed!!

There are words that wanna come out of my mouth but I become dumb .There are words that I dont wanna hear but still I hear. I dont become deaf where I am required to.I envy people who are expressive enough to lay out their feelings and thought process. Somehow I find this to be the daunting task. I cant stop myself from being introvert. At times I adorn the disguise and people around me perceive me to be extrovert . I feel they are deceived by their own eyes ,which cant see me. The me which is inside me , is scared of the world outside .It is scared of becoming a reason to some ones hurt.People might term me to be a people-pleaser . I dont do things to please others  but I dont want to hurt them either.
Im a Gemini and my friend would keep reminding me of this .I dont know whether she was satisfying her fat ego or anything else. She always painted a negative shade of it and I never believed her . Still somehow her stupid talks had left a long lasting impression .This impression might also be a result of the association that I had found in her talks . Even though it might not be true but still I started assuming that somehow there lies an association and maybe I started living those associations.  Even now I fail to express myself in clear words and would write as vaguely as possible so that my feelings remain cloaked.

Allah ll forgive

Mashaallah I have many blessings from Allah and he had been kind and merciful on me that I have scanty vocabulary to describe them here . Even though we realize this we fail to implement the same when a tough time comes we crib on what we don't have or what we had thought to achieve but on some account we couldn't. We crib and complaint to our caretaker forgetting the past mercies. We don't realise and keep faith in his decision . we don't stand true to our own words and might divert to a different direction if required. As a human I feel we try to be true but fail short in the tougher times .

Allah knows the best!

There is none other than Allah whom I have to thank for every gift he adorned me with.it's truly said you don't realise the worth of the gift of Allah  but complain about the way it is or the things you don't like or its not the best what you asked for. It's life which ll soon make you realize the worth. The patience in you ll bring out the colours around you and make you realise how dumb you have acted and you never knew what was best for you in the first place . It's Allah who knew the best for you from the beginning and accordingly bestowed the blessings and shower of gifts on you. But it's never late to ask Allah for forgiveness on your misbehaviour. 

Gossips !! The word in itself sounds fancy and kindles an interest. I don't know whether its the disease that most girls are infected with. Whatever it be but the reality is that whatsoever I try getting away from gossips i end up getting into it. The walk down this lane is interesting as long you are safe and you're not the subject of gossip that gets to your ears.

In every walk of life whether it be college, school , office you ll get into gossips of this girl or that boy. The topic of boys is generally hot when you are in your college . When you actually stumble into this new subject and you like me are fresh out of a school with just girls and suddenly you are put in co education. So in school the gossip used to limit itself about this teacher or this girl but it never included boys. But once you are in college you have different creed of people with diverse personalities around you . And so that perimeter of your gossip too enhances .Your environment has a lot to play in facilitating it. I still remember my college days with all our friends getting cozier . Our room used to be a big out , quite accommodating with its attached balcony extending itself in the wind . Late nights ,just talking about the people around us or some stories from our relative . The stories from our relative used to come up only when our topics were exhausted. the stories of our junior who was supposedly dating our batch mate. In all this gossip each one used to maintain a distance from the personal stories of our selves and even if one does the others are not so entitled to reveal the true reaction at times because that might distance us from our dear friend .
The things in the college were so interesting but ll they again be if u prolong your college days . Its just a change of time that allures you and interests you but once its elongated you need a change to break out of it. I started  on a good but now ending getting nostalgic about the beautiful time i had with my friends in college.Thanks to all my friends to be a part of the beautiful ride .

Disguise

At times one feels there is no challenge in life but a turn comes in life in disguise. U assume it's good for you but suddenly its corroding your basic nature. You feel getting pushed to dark. Nothing is what you had expected. It's the expectations that had ruined your life or the turn itself. The question lies but no answer could be found . you look around but either you are tending to lose your sanity. You tend to live under pressure that ll some day gonna blast you from inside. But how to escape this , I don't find a solution to it. Allah help me . I don't know where should I look for my answers whose existence irritates my own existence. I need help but there is no help around. I m trying to keep myself sane but the try itself becomes a blocker in your life for light to enlighten you.